Saturday, July 14, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
I posted this on a couple of other sites. I just thought I would post it here. As you know, reading is one of my favorite, if not favorite, hobby. I am in constant frustration because of my severe concentration issues which impede and hinder my ability to read and only further my pain by doing so. I usually read in spurts and often end up reading the same lines over and over again, completely incapable of concentrating on it. Fortunately, however I do manage to get a little reading in some of the time and like to write reviews on what I have read. I wrote this review a couple years ago (when the book came out). I encourage you to read it and enjoy! (:
Love,
Brendan
I was under the impression that Napoleon suffered from the
same megalomania that drove the likes of Alexander, Hitler, etc. However,
despite the attempts of one book to compare Napoleon to Hitler (a simply stupid
comparison in my opinion), I knew, once I had mastered the politics of the era
some years ago, that this was not all that Napoleon was about.
This new book by Michel Franceschi and Ben Weider has pretty much put to rest any notion that once he was emplaced as First Consul, Napoleon's overriding vision was to send his magnificent Grande Armee to overrun Europe for his own devices.
The genesis of their argument dates from the outcome of the American Revolution and the amazing blow it was to the crowns of Europe. The 1775 "shot heard around the world" was much bigger than most Americans realize today. With final victory, not only was the American republic established, but the notion of a people's government shook the very foundations of monarchist Europe to the core. The monarchs, in particular England, having been on the receiving end of this war and without a doubt paying very close attention to its longstanding foe France and their complicity in this outcome, were going to make darn sure that this political disease (from the British perspective)was never, ever, going to cross the pond to Europe.
Hence Britain's full complicity in the diplomatic, military and financial backing of the various European powers to align against Napoleon and drive him - the very personification of republican government in Europe - to destruction and make sure the inept Bourbons were kept on the French throne. This is a simple fact of the era that cannot be denied!
The authors detail how, during the French Revolution, the crowns of Europe fielded their armies to crush the nascent republic in its crib before it threatened their peace and tranquility - which translates to "we few want to keep our power over the masses." This should be proof enough that the European monarchies greatly desired to crush France and this republican poison that was taking hold. With Napoleon's rise to political power, they simply shifted the symbol of that governmental from France to him and, as stated a couple times in the book, declared war on him rather than France!
The authors cite example after example of Napoleon's efforts to be left alone to complete the reshaping of France as a nation. This was happening not only in the political front but also in science, industry and other areas which also, no doubt, added fuel to the crowned head's fire of an economic competitor they did not want, in particular the British!
And so coalition after coalition was formed to defeat Napoleon and time after time they went down to defeat. This book does a nice job relating the political/military events from the revolutionary era through these coalitions, all the while keeping the reader informed of Napoleon's diplomatic efforts to return to the cause ante bellum via diplomacy. Victories allowed him to dictate peace at the point of a sword and treaties were signed only to be broken time and again as new coalitions of the defeated once again took the field to crush him.
In the end, sheer overwhelming numbers crushed republican France, which, after the Bourbon restoration of 1814-1815, brought about a powerful desire for Napoleon's return. Once again the inept King Louis drove a wedge between him and his people learning nothing, as the authors point out, from his exile in England that the cat was out of the bag and the concept of people's government would not die easily. But British Pounds bought a lot of loyalty then and they were willing to break the bank to restore British commerce on the continent thus breaking Napoleon's embargoes that cost them so dearly financially.
It is my opinion that the authors make their case quite well and cite example after example of the efforts Napoleon made to keep or restore peace. Even as campaigns began his use of personal diplomacy to some of his adversaries continued even well into the 1814 campaign that would unseat him. Direct quotes are used from these communications proving that the Emperor was indeed more interested in running the French ship of state than commanding its armies to defeat threat after threat, although as we all know, he did that exceedingly well using an army that marched to protect the nation in 1805 that was arguably the finest of the 19th Century. After the debacle of Russia his amazing talents to rebuild and train new armies were shone time and again save for his terrific cavalry arm.
Russia is typically the event that is used to show Napoleon's desire to extend his empire, something the authors pretty well disprove. It is also often considered the true downfall of the empire and a powerful case for that can still be made for it crushed his magnificent army (particularly the cavalry arm). This directly lead to the rise of German nationalism (seeded, as the authors point out, by republican French principles)and the eventual defection of allied German state after state from Napoleon's ranks leading to his ultimate defeat. This was in addition to the huge armies raised by the other European powers.
The authors use Spain, instead of Russia, as their cause celebre for this downfall and it makes an interesting choice that is quite thought provoking. The "Spanish ulcer," as one author has termed it, after political beginnings that spun out of control with infighting within the Spanish royalty as to who would rule, lead to the Madrid uprising, Murat's heavy-handed response and full-blown war with powerful British intervention. French columns met a Spanish people's guerrilla army (where the term was first coined) and retributions followed guerrilla atrocities which did nothing to settle the question except by force of arms. Ultimately, Spain drained off thousands of the best French troops and officers who would be needed to defend France elsewhere as the European crowns rose up again, seeing the possibility of taking Napoleon out once more. It is a very interesting argument indeed but I still think that Russia might have more to do with his end than Spain; yet I remain open-minded about this.
Where the book falls short, hence my 4 stars instead of five, is in these areas. First, this book screamed for footnotes. With all of the diplomatic communications cited it would have been very nice to see these sourced for further reading. I not only use sources to perhaps challenge an assertion but I also use them to seek out further works to expand my knowledge of a certain aspect. Related to this is the complete lack of a bibliography. I can forgive footnotes much more than the lack of a bibliography. I was really wanting to see some of the sources the authors cited for further study.
The book also needed better editing. It is certainly written from the author's point of view, which is fine as historians challenge things all the time. One review here mentioned a lack of balance seemingly forgetting that other bodies of work have taken the point of view that Napoleon was a war-monger. This book IS, therefore, the balance. However, there are a few amateurish slights used by the authors to describe people or situations that would have been much more powerful had they been done in a more distinguished way. Words have deep meaning and power and the authors sometimes use them flippantly. Better editing would have altered this.
Some continuity problems also arise. On Page 78, for example, when discussing Holland and who would rule it, the authors write that the Batavians requested Napoleon's brother Joseph as king. Yet in the very next paragraph they write that brother Louis Bonaparte had poor relations between himself and Napoleon as king of that nation. Louis was indeed the King of Holland, not Joseph. Two or three other similar examples dot the book which a better editor also would have caught.
Lastly, the maps were not as good as they could have been. Several times in the text major corps of Napoleon's army are mentioned in the text as having critical parts in battles only to be left off the maps! This also happens with some of Napoleon's foes. Not everyone who will read this book is an expert on Napoleon;s campaigns so better maps would have helped lay readers understand military situations more clearly.
These criticisms aside, the authors make powerful arguments that Napoelon was, indeed, more interested in peace than war and that his wars were forced upon him rather than initiated by him. Perhaps one can still quibble about the Russian Campaign of 1812 which Napoleon did do to force them back into the continental embargo of England. But the authors do show that the Emperor tried many times to get Czar Alexander to come back in peace rather than by war. His entreaties would be rebuffed time and again. But even if we accept the argument that attacking Russia is proof of him being a war-monger, where is the evidence that he sought to do more than just punish Russia but also add it to his empire?
Napoleon Bonaparte was an amazing character in history. And, as with all people, he was flawed. He did great things for France and eventually Europe via the Code Napoleon and his maintaining of republican principals (even after being crowned as Emperor) that were established in the Confederation of the Rhine and other areas allied and run by him. Indeed he was a political visionary seeking a Europe filled with people rising to be what they could be, as was happening in France and America at the time, rather than being what they were because of their birth status. The modern European Union owes much to this vision. A case can even be made that had Napoleon been successful in exporting republican ideals across the continent that the Franco-Prussian War, which cemented the power of a united Germany to the detriment of Europe and even the world in the 20th Century, might not have happened. Even further, that little squabble between First Cousins we call World War 1 might not have happened either for republics tend not to wage war on each other and these nations might well have succumbed to republican government long before 1914 had they only been willing.
Ironically, these principles that Napoleon did establish within his German allies helped fuel the German nationalism of 1813-1814 that unseated him the first time. This in turn, as the book points out, fueled the rebellions of 1848 that brought much needed change to the German states. Indeed, even the Prussians in their 1813 resurgence, let lose the reigns on their people somewhat with the creation of their Landwehr, their first "people's army" that was raised to supplement their regular troops. These were the first cracks in a monarchy in Europe and it was because of Napoleon.
Napoleon also brought advances in science, the arts and through industry, but he failed as a ruler by entrusting people who time and again stabbed him in the back. Talleyrand was chief among those, but also Fouche, Bernadotte (the most inept of the marshals in my opinion) and eventually his brother in law Murat, not to mention some of his own family members, stabbed him in the back after he raised them to posts of great importance. This was his biggest and most fatal flaw and this book ties that in very nicely with the other cases it makes.
This book is well worth getting and reading. It gave me a greater insight to the diplomatic overtures that Napoleon extended throughout his reign. I have certainly accepted its premises. If you accept what Von Clausewitz has stated that war is politics by another means, this book does a fine job of wedding the military with the political/diplomatic and showing the outcomes of both.
Quite often the political/diplomatic side of this era is overlooked. That is certainly not the case now.
This new book by Michel Franceschi and Ben Weider has pretty much put to rest any notion that once he was emplaced as First Consul, Napoleon's overriding vision was to send his magnificent Grande Armee to overrun Europe for his own devices.
The genesis of their argument dates from the outcome of the American Revolution and the amazing blow it was to the crowns of Europe. The 1775 "shot heard around the world" was much bigger than most Americans realize today. With final victory, not only was the American republic established, but the notion of a people's government shook the very foundations of monarchist Europe to the core. The monarchs, in particular England, having been on the receiving end of this war and without a doubt paying very close attention to its longstanding foe France and their complicity in this outcome, were going to make darn sure that this political disease (from the British perspective)was never, ever, going to cross the pond to Europe.
Hence Britain's full complicity in the diplomatic, military and financial backing of the various European powers to align against Napoleon and drive him - the very personification of republican government in Europe - to destruction and make sure the inept Bourbons were kept on the French throne. This is a simple fact of the era that cannot be denied!
The authors detail how, during the French Revolution, the crowns of Europe fielded their armies to crush the nascent republic in its crib before it threatened their peace and tranquility - which translates to "we few want to keep our power over the masses." This should be proof enough that the European monarchies greatly desired to crush France and this republican poison that was taking hold. With Napoleon's rise to political power, they simply shifted the symbol of that governmental from France to him and, as stated a couple times in the book, declared war on him rather than France!
The authors cite example after example of Napoleon's efforts to be left alone to complete the reshaping of France as a nation. This was happening not only in the political front but also in science, industry and other areas which also, no doubt, added fuel to the crowned head's fire of an economic competitor they did not want, in particular the British!
And so coalition after coalition was formed to defeat Napoleon and time after time they went down to defeat. This book does a nice job relating the political/military events from the revolutionary era through these coalitions, all the while keeping the reader informed of Napoleon's diplomatic efforts to return to the cause ante bellum via diplomacy. Victories allowed him to dictate peace at the point of a sword and treaties were signed only to be broken time and again as new coalitions of the defeated once again took the field to crush him.
In the end, sheer overwhelming numbers crushed republican France, which, after the Bourbon restoration of 1814-1815, brought about a powerful desire for Napoleon's return. Once again the inept King Louis drove a wedge between him and his people learning nothing, as the authors point out, from his exile in England that the cat was out of the bag and the concept of people's government would not die easily. But British Pounds bought a lot of loyalty then and they were willing to break the bank to restore British commerce on the continent thus breaking Napoleon's embargoes that cost them so dearly financially.
It is my opinion that the authors make their case quite well and cite example after example of the efforts Napoleon made to keep or restore peace. Even as campaigns began his use of personal diplomacy to some of his adversaries continued even well into the 1814 campaign that would unseat him. Direct quotes are used from these communications proving that the Emperor was indeed more interested in running the French ship of state than commanding its armies to defeat threat after threat, although as we all know, he did that exceedingly well using an army that marched to protect the nation in 1805 that was arguably the finest of the 19th Century. After the debacle of Russia his amazing talents to rebuild and train new armies were shone time and again save for his terrific cavalry arm.
Russia is typically the event that is used to show Napoleon's desire to extend his empire, something the authors pretty well disprove. It is also often considered the true downfall of the empire and a powerful case for that can still be made for it crushed his magnificent army (particularly the cavalry arm). This directly lead to the rise of German nationalism (seeded, as the authors point out, by republican French principles)and the eventual defection of allied German state after state from Napoleon's ranks leading to his ultimate defeat. This was in addition to the huge armies raised by the other European powers.
The authors use Spain, instead of Russia, as their cause celebre for this downfall and it makes an interesting choice that is quite thought provoking. The "Spanish ulcer," as one author has termed it, after political beginnings that spun out of control with infighting within the Spanish royalty as to who would rule, lead to the Madrid uprising, Murat's heavy-handed response and full-blown war with powerful British intervention. French columns met a Spanish people's guerrilla army (where the term was first coined) and retributions followed guerrilla atrocities which did nothing to settle the question except by force of arms. Ultimately, Spain drained off thousands of the best French troops and officers who would be needed to defend France elsewhere as the European crowns rose up again, seeing the possibility of taking Napoleon out once more. It is a very interesting argument indeed but I still think that Russia might have more to do with his end than Spain; yet I remain open-minded about this.
Where the book falls short, hence my 4 stars instead of five, is in these areas. First, this book screamed for footnotes. With all of the diplomatic communications cited it would have been very nice to see these sourced for further reading. I not only use sources to perhaps challenge an assertion but I also use them to seek out further works to expand my knowledge of a certain aspect. Related to this is the complete lack of a bibliography. I can forgive footnotes much more than the lack of a bibliography. I was really wanting to see some of the sources the authors cited for further study.
The book also needed better editing. It is certainly written from the author's point of view, which is fine as historians challenge things all the time. One review here mentioned a lack of balance seemingly forgetting that other bodies of work have taken the point of view that Napoleon was a war-monger. This book IS, therefore, the balance. However, there are a few amateurish slights used by the authors to describe people or situations that would have been much more powerful had they been done in a more distinguished way. Words have deep meaning and power and the authors sometimes use them flippantly. Better editing would have altered this.
Some continuity problems also arise. On Page 78, for example, when discussing Holland and who would rule it, the authors write that the Batavians requested Napoleon's brother Joseph as king. Yet in the very next paragraph they write that brother Louis Bonaparte had poor relations between himself and Napoleon as king of that nation. Louis was indeed the King of Holland, not Joseph. Two or three other similar examples dot the book which a better editor also would have caught.
Lastly, the maps were not as good as they could have been. Several times in the text major corps of Napoleon's army are mentioned in the text as having critical parts in battles only to be left off the maps! This also happens with some of Napoleon's foes. Not everyone who will read this book is an expert on Napoleon;s campaigns so better maps would have helped lay readers understand military situations more clearly.
These criticisms aside, the authors make powerful arguments that Napoelon was, indeed, more interested in peace than war and that his wars were forced upon him rather than initiated by him. Perhaps one can still quibble about the Russian Campaign of 1812 which Napoleon did do to force them back into the continental embargo of England. But the authors do show that the Emperor tried many times to get Czar Alexander to come back in peace rather than by war. His entreaties would be rebuffed time and again. But even if we accept the argument that attacking Russia is proof of him being a war-monger, where is the evidence that he sought to do more than just punish Russia but also add it to his empire?
Napoleon Bonaparte was an amazing character in history. And, as with all people, he was flawed. He did great things for France and eventually Europe via the Code Napoleon and his maintaining of republican principals (even after being crowned as Emperor) that were established in the Confederation of the Rhine and other areas allied and run by him. Indeed he was a political visionary seeking a Europe filled with people rising to be what they could be, as was happening in France and America at the time, rather than being what they were because of their birth status. The modern European Union owes much to this vision. A case can even be made that had Napoleon been successful in exporting republican ideals across the continent that the Franco-Prussian War, which cemented the power of a united Germany to the detriment of Europe and even the world in the 20th Century, might not have happened. Even further, that little squabble between First Cousins we call World War 1 might not have happened either for republics tend not to wage war on each other and these nations might well have succumbed to republican government long before 1914 had they only been willing.
Ironically, these principles that Napoleon did establish within his German allies helped fuel the German nationalism of 1813-1814 that unseated him the first time. This in turn, as the book points out, fueled the rebellions of 1848 that brought much needed change to the German states. Indeed, even the Prussians in their 1813 resurgence, let lose the reigns on their people somewhat with the creation of their Landwehr, their first "people's army" that was raised to supplement their regular troops. These were the first cracks in a monarchy in Europe and it was because of Napoleon.
Napoleon also brought advances in science, the arts and through industry, but he failed as a ruler by entrusting people who time and again stabbed him in the back. Talleyrand was chief among those, but also Fouche, Bernadotte (the most inept of the marshals in my opinion) and eventually his brother in law Murat, not to mention some of his own family members, stabbed him in the back after he raised them to posts of great importance. This was his biggest and most fatal flaw and this book ties that in very nicely with the other cases it makes.
This book is well worth getting and reading. It gave me a greater insight to the diplomatic overtures that Napoleon extended throughout his reign. I have certainly accepted its premises. If you accept what Von Clausewitz has stated that war is politics by another means, this book does a fine job of wedding the military with the political/diplomatic and showing the outcomes of both.
Quite often the political/diplomatic side of this era is overlooked. That is certainly not the case now.
I won a scholarship with this essay. What do you guys think? In 400 words or less explain why American youth should care about their history.
American youth should care about their history, because of
the uniqueness and greatness that comprises this country. Since our founding in
1776, we have witnessed acts of sacrifice and heroism, compassion and courage,
unity and fierce determination. By studying our history, we are reminded that
we are citizens with obligations to each other, to our country, and to our
history. John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, Alexander Hamilton, John Jay, Thomas
Jefferson, James Madison, George Washington and countless others gave us a magnificent
nation with ideals and values unprecedented by any nation in the world. They set
forth an example of how we should govern ourselves by dedicating their lives to
this glorious endeavor with truly divine inspiration. American youth should
study history to cultivate in themselves the same fervor that burned in the
hearts of the founding fathers. By studying our history you will find that
goodness always prevails and although we may have many difficult obstacles to
overcome, we will get through it all together as a nation founded on the
principles of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We must strengthen
our sense of citizenship and pass along to future generations the wisdom of
those in our past. Though we may not be a utopian society, the idealists that
have gone before us have formed a tangible centered country, striving towards
perfection, however flawed we may be. By looking at the nearly impossible
victory of the Revolution, to the Constitutional Convention to Lincoln holding
steadfast against division to Martin Luther King reinforcing the truth and
democratic spirit of the country, we lay testament to an inextricable bond that
holds us together. Ignorance is certainly not bliss in regards to knowing this
marvelous nations history and to live without such knowledge would be to live an
empty unfulfilling life. All youth should be exposed to the numerous
achievements of this nation and the many wonderful individuals that called it
home. In true Socratic sense, it’s not enough to know something, you must know
why you know it. Know thyself, as Socrates so eloquently put it and the phase
which is inscribed above Apollo's temple at Delphi, and to know yourself means
to be aware of what it is that makes you who you are. And in this respect, the
one thing which reveals this knowledge is history. Thus it is essential for
American youth to have a firm grasp on their history and to inquire as to their
origins, just as the young Athenians did.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
I have a severe computer game addiction. I used to play fourteen hours a day, every day, all the time. I would make myself very sick, staring at the dots and the illuminated screen for hours upon hours on end. I've substituted my game addiction now with depression chat rooms and chat logs. Although better (I can actually help people) and less time consuming and addiciting it's still not great. But unforunately I don't have any friends at all. I've need had any friends. I'm very lonely and isolated and the feelings of lonliness and isolation pervade every moment of my existence. I spend alot of my day and time on depression support websites and instant messenger. I type the same morbid carp unceisizingly.
I've been trying very hard to commit myself to exercise. I go to the track almost every day since april, there are some lapses ofcourse, and run for a few miles. I've been trying really hard as well to read at least four hours a day. I just finished the Brothers Karmozo. I usually read alot of essays though. I like theoretical physics. When I'm tempted to play computer games and I can't read, I watch doctumentaries and listen to podcasts. I read and write a tremendous amount of philosophy as well.
It DOSEN'T get easier
I could be a billionaire, I could have percieveably have everything in the world and yet I still think I would want to kill myself every mintue of every day. Nothing really seems to matter to me at all. Nothing pleases. Nothing entertains. Nothing joys. Yes, sure I am interested in things but those interests are stifled by severe concentration issues. I love reading but can only do so much without the depression interfering too badly, and that is quite frustrating. My parents took my computer away a year and a half ago (and for good reason I suppose) and that really hurt me. I lost what little I did have. I lost my extensive collection of computer software, movies, books, music and most especailly of all my writing and other work. My computer was my best and only friend. Losing the computer itself was trivial, what really matter was all the work that I had on it. I bought cloud storage now, (with two different sites), altought expensive this will assure me that won't happen again. This was uppseting but besides I must admit I did erase my work a good amount of the time, in fits of rage and sucidial ideation. I
I attempted sucidie when I had just turned fifteen. (I am almost 19 now). Extremely severe depression had ravaged my mind for five or so years, since I nine or ten, and every moment of my existence was comprised of agony the likes of which hell would tremble to. I had literally thought about it pretty much every day, every hour for several years prior. Every day I believed would be my last. I would work myself up to do it, but at the very last moment would hesistate and then put it off. Even my sucide attempt, I would say was not fully committed. I would spend hours at the railraod tracks or along a highway trying to get myself to move into oncoming traffic or lay against the rails to be demolished by a train. I longer so badly for my own demise. I wished so entirely to persih. And yet I don't believe that's really what I wanted. I wanted to rid myself of this irrevoaiblae pain, a task that seemed daunting and insurmontable. I wallowed in my suffering, incapable of escaping. I took a mixture of chemical I had made. I threw everything in, yet I still avoided the harsher things I knew I could have added. Paint thinner, ammonia, rat poision, weed be gone and about nine other chemicals. I didn't gas myself. I drank. I gulped it down with a vigor unprecendated by any other action in my life. The chemicals began to work and take hold of me. My body began to shake uncontroably and I started vomiting blood. I immediately wished to get it out of my body. But at the same time, my dichotomogty still presented itself and I wanted to die. Not to run away anymore, not to momentarily retart, but to take my chances with the unknown. I passed out and woke up in a hospital. I still live with the effects, kindey, throat and liver damage. I still want to complete what I half hearthedly did every day, every hour. And yet I don't. I hold off and bear the pain because I don't want to hurt my family. Although I usually convince myself they would be much much better off without me.
Monday, June 25, 2012
This is the beginning to a story about a woman who becomes alienated from her husband due to her depression.
He looked at me with a look of disgust, confusion, compassion and rage all in one. He took off his pants but I closed my legs. Not tonight. I was never in the mood any more. Don’t believe I ever would be again. I used to love him. I even remember when I did. But that was a long time ago, in another life. This is now and that was over. A distant memory never to be touched upon again. To live was to die. To die would be peace. But the unexpectedness of it riddled my numb mind with uncertainties I was not ready to face.
I thought of my abortion. The pain of it never ended and never would. I couldn’t possibly bring another life into this world. I couldn’t even handle myself.How was I supposed to handle another being? But that didn’t stop me from wondering. Who was it? Who was she? What was she? Was it a boy or a girl? Did it have a soul? Was it created by God? Did God fourm it or was it just a simple process we do as mammals?
“Christine, when is all this going to be over?”
He didn’t understand, he never did and he never would. I didn’t even bother to try to explain anymore or try to get him to understand. It was useless. He would never know.
“Christine, we haven’t spoken for thirteen days now. How long is this going to continue?”
Thirteen days recently but the past several years of interaction could hardly be called talk.
“I’m going to go out with the guys if you don’t want to talk or do anything together.”
Yes, ofcourse. He was always going out with “the guys”. I often wondered if he even cared about me at all. Was he cheating on me? Well he certainly wasn’t getting it at home, hadn’t for years, so he’d probably found other outlets for his desires. And who was to blame him. It was my fault anyway. I was an awful wife, if I could even be called that. I often wished I would die so he could collect the life insurance plan. That was all I was worth. He wouldn’t have to deal with this wretched waste gripped by a dismal existence of perpetual agony any longer and he would have some cash to spend on whores or god knows whatever he did.
I looked at myself in the mirror. I started into the cold lifeless eyes of a woman whose existence had ended long ago yet the unrelenting anguish remained. I looked at the hard pale face and realized I hadn’t worn makeup since a christmas party two years ago. I took in the lines and withering unkempt skin and the unwashed unruly mop of hair atop my troubled head. Hygiene was of little importance. When you expected not to be alive the next day, every day, hygiene was a trivial pursuit only to be forced upon you by others. I hadn’t even reached forty yet and my body had long gone. I was once a quite pretty young woman, full breasts, well proportioned body, slim, beautiful smile but the omnipresent agony had taken over all aspects of myself replacing this former heartthrob bomb shell with a dejected lost soul, destined to be alone forever.. What was left in the wake of years of being ravaged by psychological torment was a broken being never capable of recovery and I have reconciled with that. At once my prospects looked very good. I was the top of my class in law school, despite my protests of attending, valedictorian of my high school class, suma cum lade at my university and yet it all meant nothing to me. I could have everything and anything I wanted but I wanted nothing at all expect to be loved, something I never had and now believe I am not worthy of. Aaaaa, all this rumination was giving me a heahache. I decided to take a shower. I turned on the hot water and let it run for a while, while I sat on my bed contemplating the meaning behind my suffering. The more I pondered, the less I knew and understood and as I delved into the deep abyss of my loneliness and pain I began to come to grips with the idea that I would never fathom why this immense all-consuming burden that I liked to call my insurmountable plight, was placed on me. Well this would not be resolved tonight nor did I have hope it ever would, until death took me, and then I’m still not sure, so best to just muddle through the pain and carry on. I stuffed it further down inside me in an tank already bursting with immeasurable suffering. I took off my clothes and hopped into the shower. I felt the warm water soak into my skin and clung to every drop that poured on me, as if it were my last. I looked at the scars I still had from when I was only eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen. A long time ago, but not so long in the grand scheme of things and the pain was still as present as it ever was. I thought about Jack. Did he know what he was getting himself into when he married me? Evidently not. I recalled our first elopement in grad school and how we couldn’t keep each other’s clothes on for more than five minutes. I was only twenty-four, he was thirty-one but the age didn’t matter because for the first time in my life he provided me with some of the security and comfort I had been lacking all along. At the time he didn’t now how badly this tortous diease had afflicted me, nor would he. I had suppressed and repressed is so cleverly. I was a master of disguise and no one, not even the people closest to me, had even the faintest idea of what I was going through.
He looked at me with a look of disgust, confusion, compassion and rage all in one. He took off his pants but I closed my legs. Not tonight. I was never in the mood any more. Don’t believe I ever would be again. I used to love him. I even remember when I did. But that was a long time ago, in another life. This is now and that was over. A distant memory never to be touched upon again. To live was to die. To die would be peace. But the unexpectedness of it riddled my numb mind with uncertainties I was not ready to face.
I thought of my abortion. The pain of it never ended and never would. I couldn’t possibly bring another life into this world. I couldn’t even handle myself.How was I supposed to handle another being? But that didn’t stop me from wondering. Who was it? Who was she? What was she? Was it a boy or a girl? Did it have a soul? Was it created by God? Did God fourm it or was it just a simple process we do as mammals?
“Christine, when is all this going to be over?”
He didn’t understand, he never did and he never would. I didn’t even bother to try to explain anymore or try to get him to understand. It was useless. He would never know.
“Christine, we haven’t spoken for thirteen days now. How long is this going to continue?”
Thirteen days recently but the past several years of interaction could hardly be called talk.
“I’m going to go out with the guys if you don’t want to talk or do anything together.”
Yes, ofcourse. He was always going out with “the guys”. I often wondered if he even cared about me at all. Was he cheating on me? Well he certainly wasn’t getting it at home, hadn’t for years, so he’d probably found other outlets for his desires. And who was to blame him. It was my fault anyway. I was an awful wife, if I could even be called that. I often wished I would die so he could collect the life insurance plan. That was all I was worth. He wouldn’t have to deal with this wretched waste gripped by a dismal existence of perpetual agony any longer and he would have some cash to spend on whores or god knows whatever he did.
I looked at myself in the mirror. I started into the cold lifeless eyes of a woman whose existence had ended long ago yet the unrelenting anguish remained. I looked at the hard pale face and realized I hadn’t worn makeup since a christmas party two years ago. I took in the lines and withering unkempt skin and the unwashed unruly mop of hair atop my troubled head. Hygiene was of little importance. When you expected not to be alive the next day, every day, hygiene was a trivial pursuit only to be forced upon you by others. I hadn’t even reached forty yet and my body had long gone. I was once a quite pretty young woman, full breasts, well proportioned body, slim, beautiful smile but the omnipresent agony had taken over all aspects of myself replacing this former heartthrob bomb shell with a dejected lost soul, destined to be alone forever.. What was left in the wake of years of being ravaged by psychological torment was a broken being never capable of recovery and I have reconciled with that. At once my prospects looked very good. I was the top of my class in law school, despite my protests of attending, valedictorian of my high school class, suma cum lade at my university and yet it all meant nothing to me. I could have everything and anything I wanted but I wanted nothing at all expect to be loved, something I never had and now believe I am not worthy of. Aaaaa, all this rumination was giving me a heahache. I decided to take a shower. I turned on the hot water and let it run for a while, while I sat on my bed contemplating the meaning behind my suffering. The more I pondered, the less I knew and understood and as I delved into the deep abyss of my loneliness and pain I began to come to grips with the idea that I would never fathom why this immense all-consuming burden that I liked to call my insurmountable plight, was placed on me. Well this would not be resolved tonight nor did I have hope it ever would, until death took me, and then I’m still not sure, so best to just muddle through the pain and carry on. I stuffed it further down inside me in an tank already bursting with immeasurable suffering. I took off my clothes and hopped into the shower. I felt the warm water soak into my skin and clung to every drop that poured on me, as if it were my last. I looked at the scars I still had from when I was only eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen. A long time ago, but not so long in the grand scheme of things and the pain was still as present as it ever was. I thought about Jack. Did he know what he was getting himself into when he married me? Evidently not. I recalled our first elopement in grad school and how we couldn’t keep each other’s clothes on for more than five minutes. I was only twenty-four, he was thirty-one but the age didn’t matter because for the first time in my life he provided me with some of the security and comfort I had been lacking all along. At the time he didn’t now how badly this tortous diease had afflicted me, nor would he. I had suppressed and repressed is so cleverly. I was a master of disguise and no one, not even the people closest to me, had even the faintest idea of what I was going through.
biblical passage
I like the line in scripture, "Render unto Ceasor, what is Ceasors. Render unto God what is his." It really puts things into perspective. The apostles came to Jesus complaining about how Ceasor was taxing them unfairly and Jesus gave them a reality check and told them to worry about what's important. If I could live by this quote, I would be a better person spiritually.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Hi. I wanted to start a blog. I have suffered from very very severe depression and suicidality for a long time now and that's all I seem to know and have ever known, unfortunately. I have started many blogs before but have always deleted them or never bothered to get them out there. This one, I hope will be different. I am going to try to get some readers and share my stories and experiences. Not a minute passes when I am not gripped by immense and immeasurable agony. The overwhelming and unrelenting anguish that predominates every moment of mine may be worth enduring if I am able to help others who suffer as well and don't believe they will ever attain respite from their pain. I feel utterly alone but will persist through my despair to reach out to others and share my feelings, pain, worries and anxieties. God Bless! I hope your read my posts!
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